Twice a month, we scour the Internet (okay, mostly @BestAt and WitStream) in search of funny Tweets to include in the Spark Notes* newsletter. In no particular order, here are 21 of our favorites from last year. Enjoy!
“Are you gonna finish that cough drop in the ash tray?”
@FilthyRichmond
Jocelyn Plums
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I may be a bit rusty, but if the world ever needs me to climb into a triangle and shoot asteroids, I’m ready.”
@badbanana
Tim Siedell
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“If anyone’s interested, I’ll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm until I’m removed by security.”
@bridger_w
Bridger Winegar
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Smelling one of my farts has to kill at least 10 thousand brain cells. My dog doesn’t even know how to bark anymore.”
@TequilaTears
Marcello Mozzarella
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Girls will eat at least seven pounds of lipstick in their lifetime. Not so shocking when you find out we put it on toast.”
@RobinMcCauley
Robin McCauley
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I wish someone would hurry up and marry me so I can go ahead and get fat.”
@LaurenRP
LaurenRP
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“There’s a looong list of rules if you want to get into Heaven. Typical gated community.”
@DanaJGould
Dana Gould
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?”
@Coastiefish
Matt Smith
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift.”
@PimpBillClinton
Bill Clinton
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I’d buy the new Fiat RIGHT NOW if they changed their ad slogan to ‘Who Fiated?'”
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Upon further consideration, ‘Gillette: The best a man can get’ is an incredibly depressing thought.”
@juliussharpe
Julius Sharpe
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Crayons are a lot like M & M’s, all the colors taste the same.”
@superduperkewl
brendan reynolds
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?”
@guyendorekaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I don’t want to sound like a badass but… I eject my USB without removing it safely.”
@howtogeek
Lowell Heddings
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Did you ever notice how Super Congress and bumbling mild-mannered regular Congress are never seen in the same room together?”
@wadetoblack
Wade
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“According to Weight Watchers’ point system, I have the high score.”
@toddmarrone
Todd Marrone
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“There’s always a point on my drive home where I think ‘this is probably good enough. I’ll just live here.'”
@shelbyfero
shelby fero
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.”
@clarkekant
Clarke Kant
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Adults never get excited anymore about how big I got since they last saw me :(“
@MrsRupertPupkin
Lauren Caltagirone
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in.”
@KellyOxford
Kelly Oxford
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“My biggest weakness as an employee? I didn’t actually show up for the interview and am talking to myself in the mirror right now.”
@JillMorris
Jill Morris
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
I know there are many other funny Tweets from last year that I missed. Please feel free to share your favorites with us in the comments.
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Stock vector of the birds courtesy of Shutterstock.
