Every two weeks, I hunt for funny Tweets to include in our Spark Notes* newsletter. What follows are a few of my favorite finds from 2012:
“I’m no quitter. I’ve had Microsoft Word open for 14 years.”
@aparnapkin
Aparna Nancherla
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“If you think a joke on social media is not funny or inappropriate make sure you respond by saying ‘not funny’ so it gets fixed.”
@RexHuppke
Rex Huppke
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Not to brag but these jeans really bring out my eyes and my muffin top”
@NotJPo
Peauxp Benedict XVI
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Sometimes when the guy at the convenience store is putting my toilet paper in a bag I say, ‘No, no. For here.'”
@DanNaturman
Dan Naturman
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“So what happens if I neglect to ‘safely’ remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.”
@JordyHamrick
Jordan
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Facebook buys Instagram for $1 billion. Idiots, they could have downloaded it for free.”
@pleatedjeans
Jeff Wysaski
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight. It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.”
@Schmoodles
Jessica
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Today in 1837, the guy who wrote ‘Robert’s Rules Of Order’ was born. He also wrote the earlier ‘You Guys! Shut Up! Can We Start Now? Guys?'”
@Disalmanac
Scott Bateman
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I keep most of my chest hair on my back.”
@mattkoff
Matt Koff
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.”
@BlitznBeans
Aaron Blitzstein
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Every year I tell myself, THIS is the 4th of July that I do Uncle Sam on stilts, and every year I end up too drunk to stand in flip flops.”
@pauldanke
Paul Danke
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Guys, check out my Facebook page today. I just uploaded 17,000 pictures of myself.”
@Jason23Nash
Jason Nash
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Hey ladies, if you like my race car, you’ll love my bed (also a race car).”
@markleggett
Mark Leggett
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“BREAKING: Roman Emperor Theodosius bans Olympic Games, NBC delay to catch up shortly. #394AD”
@NBCDelayed
NBC Delayed
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“If by edible underwear you mean pancake diapers, then yes, I’m wearing edible underwear.”
@RobertBuscemi
Robert Buscemi
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.”
@Aspersioncast
Aspersioncast
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Getting a gun rack installed in my car to hold all my burritos while I drive.”
@PaulyPeligroso
Pauly Casillas
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Essentially all of Zynga’s games could be called Poops With Friends.”
@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“I can’t believe I have to watch a 2-minute commercial on YouTube just to see a 9-second clip of a cat farting.”
@keatingthomas
Keating Thomas
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Every time I try to write a song, all I come up with is ‘Yummy yummy sushi, I love you so, someone have my baby baby BABIES!!!!!'”
@seriouslyemily
Emily Donahue
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“This kid at my nephew’s birthday party sh*t his pants and got to go home. I’m seriously considering this option.”
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny Johnson
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
If you enjoyed these Tweets, please consider subscribing to our newsletter. We’ll send you our favorite mostly SFW Tweets every two weeks.
While you are waiting for the next edition to come in, you can check out the “Funniest Tweets of 2011.”
If I missed your favorite funny Tweets from 2012, please share them in the comments. Thanks!
Bird illustration courtesy of Potatoestomatoes. Thanks to Happy Place and Witstream for originally spotlighting many of this list’s Tweets.
